Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
