PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
They took my balls.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
