I cannot find my penis.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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