yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
