so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
