The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
