my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
your like the ambassador to my penis.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
