Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
