Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
