i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
