Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
