a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
