Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize