I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
