so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
