Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
