I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
