I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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