wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
