from now on my penis is your penis
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
