I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
