Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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