It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
