i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
