I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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