The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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