Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
