just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
