My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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