hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
