I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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