what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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