There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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