Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
