you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
