she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
