I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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