i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
