Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
