dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
