i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
