i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
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