Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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