the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
