nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
