Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
