My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
