I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
