I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
