I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
