I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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