God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize