my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
