I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Green mimosas i think yes
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
