I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
