Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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