I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
