If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I love you. Go after that dick
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
