i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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