Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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