Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
